As I was looking over everything I’ve been tracking for the past six weeks, I was overwhelmed with how many different ways I felt like I was failing. I’ve been struggling to keep up with my life for years. I’ve spent too much money and haven’t kept good track of my finances. I’ve eaten too much takeout and not enough fruits or vegetables. Plus, I never drink enough water. I’ve spent too much time relaxing and not enough time taking care of myself, let alone anything else I’m responsible for. The only things I’ve done well have been getting enough sleep every night, sticking to a regular schedule, and continuing to work on this project.
It’s so easy to get caught up in my negative thoughts. I should’ve stayed on top of my life from the beginning. Why didn’t I start this project a long time ago? I could’ve done everything better, but I’m just not good enough. I should’ve never let anything get to this point. Will I even be able to salvage the rest of my life? Why can’t I just be more like everyone else? What is wrong with me? This kind of thinking never makes me feel any better. In fact, it makes me feel completely awful. I start crying and become hopeless. Sometimes I get so upset that I make myself physically sick. And it never seems to fix anything either. I don’t get closer to solving my problems and I don’t work harder towards my goals. I just spend the rest of the night in a bad mood.
But why does it have to be like that? Why do I have to feel bad about myself for all the things I’ve done wrong? Can’t I be proud of myself for all the things I’ve done right instead? Surely that sounds a lot better. I’m not perfect and my life hasn’t been perfect either. I’ve been through rough times just like everyone else. I’ve struggled and tried the best I could each time. I should be thanking my past self for doing just that. And I should be happy that I’m in a different position now. Every day I wake up, I can choose to be better, try harder, and improve my life for my future self. And that includes learning to show myself forgiveness, empathy, and most importantly, love.
So, I’m not going to keep putting myself through this. Whenever I start to go into a negative spiral, I’m going to stop, relax, and just breathe. It’ll take some time to get the hang of it, but I’ll try to remind myself that everything will be okay and things aren’t as bad as they seem. It’ll do me a lot of good to give myself time to catch my breath, work through it, and fill my head with more positive thoughts.