I’ve always been a good planner, organizer, and designer. I like my projects to be polished and meaningful. I pay attention to the details and make sure everything I do is with intention. And yet, I’ve constantly struggled with planning, organizing, and designing my own life.
Although last year was really hard, I didn’t expect this new year to be so tough already. We’re only a few months in and I’ve had to deal with a lot of stressful situations. I’ve created so many plans to help get my life in order and each time I try something new, I end up failing miserably.
Now, here I am, in the middle of March, wondering what to do next. I thought I’d be feeling great at this point, especially after I just reached my 6-months post-surgery date, but instead I’ve just been feeling down. I’m losing more and more hope each day. I keep thinking I need a new plan to work towards so I don’t feel so lost. And at the same time, all my plans are starting to feel insignificant.
Last night, as I was watching the sun go down and worrying about my future, I had a thought come into my mind that instantly made me feel a little better. It was “God always loves me, even when I don’t love myself.”
I believe God never doubts my past, my present, or my future. He has a plan for me, especially when I don’t understand that plan myself. So, as of right now, I don’t think I need to obsess about creating new plans. I’m going to throw them all out. I don’t have to start projects on the perfect date, search for significance in each step, or finish everything at once. After all, He’s got me. Always.
Instead of planning, I’m going to let my faith and values guide me throughout this journey. They can help me work towards my goals, slowly and without shame. And that’s what I really need right now.
I’ve gained 10 lbs since I had surgery, but my measurements are surprisingly still the same. It’s not easy to say I haven’t made any progress, and it’s even harder to say I’m further behind than where I started. I wish I would have made better choices during recovery, but there’s nothing I can do about it now. And instead of trying to overwork myself to get back to where I was, I’m choosing to forgive myself and move on.
I’ve decided to restart my weight loss journey. Right here, right now, and right where I am. This time, I’ve come up with a few works to keep in the back of my mind. Balance, determination, growth, health, and responsibility are the values I’ll be focusing on before each meal, each workout, and each moment of self-doubt.