These past few months preparing for surgery and then recovering from surgery have been incredibly hard. I didn’t post much during this struggle, mostly because I rarely felt up to taking pictures or writing down my thoughts. But I also had no idea what to share. Even now, as I’m writing this, I’m still debating about how much detail to go into. Do I talk about the specifics and explain what it’s like during each stage of recovery? Do I skip over all of that entirely while I focus on how I’m moving forward and what new challenges lie ahead of me? I want to appreciate everything I’ve been through, because it hasn’t been easy, but in a way that won’t take up too much space. I’ve grown so much since I had surgery that it almost feels like a lifetime ago. It feels weird writing this, but here it goes…
Preparing for surgery made me anxious. I was worried about how much could go wrong and felt down about everything I hadn’t been able to accomplish. But it helped me learn how to let go of my perfectionism. I started realizing my health was more important than how our house looked, and in turn was able to be more understanding with myself instead.
The first two days were mostly spent in the hospital. I was dealing with new pain, movement restrictions, and trying to make it through each moment as best as possible. But I was never alone. Clifton was always by my side and supported me each step of the way. It helped me realized how much he loves and cares about me. I started wanting to be kind to myself, the way he is always kind to me.
The first two weeks involved staying at home with less showers and considerable amounts of pain. We had to change my bandages, go on walks throughout the day, and do breathing exercise even though all I wanted to do was lay down. I’m glad I got to see the end of summer, but there were plenty of times when it all seemed too hard. Somehow I made it through and I realized that having health problems hasn’t made me weak, it’s actually filled my soul with strength.
The next two weeks I mostly struggled to go back to work and find a new daily balance. I was able to take normal showers again, take off my bandages, and do more by myself. Every small step felt like a huge victory and I started to feel like I was getting my life back again. My spirits continually improved and I realized how much time I wasted being unhappy even when things in our life were going good.
The second month involved more soreness in my back and a new pain in my hip. I had to see my doctor quite a few more times and get new imaging done. But just as I was starting to doubt a full recovery, Clifton unexpectedly got hurt at work. A brad nail went through his eyelid, requiring emergency surgery to get it out. The tables turned and I had to take care of him for a change, while still trying to be careful with my back. We’re so lucky that everything worked out and he won’t have any vision loss, but there was a while we didn’t know what was going to happen. I prayed constantly for my family and in turn realized every insecurity I’ve ever had about myself or our life wasn’t as important as I used to think it was. I started trying to live in the moment and changed my priorities.
And now, I think our life is starting to mellow out. I still have pain here and there, but it’s significantly less than the pain I had before surgery. I’m getting another steroid shot soon and going to physical therapy, but I have hope that I’ll recover even more. Clifton’s doing well and is almost done with all his medications and appointments.
I know that God has a plan for us and He only chose us for these trials so we could grow. I’ve been blessed with so many gifts throughout the struggles like strength, kindness, understanding, self-love, and increase in my faith.
I still want to keep working on myself and all the personal goals I set towards the beginning of the year, but in a healthy, balanced manner so I don’t risk getting hurt or overwhelmed. My weight has been all over the place lately, but the past few weeks I’ve been pretty steady at my starting weight. I’m confident I can focus on losing weight again and be successful at it this time. It’s weird to not have a specific plan this time, but I’m just going to take it day-by-day and week-by-week. To keep track of my progress, I’ll be creating weekly reviews on my Instagram stories if you want to follow along!