As I’m getting closer to surgery, I’m also feeling more anxious. I’m constantly wondering what I’m doing with my life, feeling annoyed that I haven’t gotten enough done, trying to plan everything out, struggling to control my eating habits, and wanting to buy more products online.
The weird part is that I’m actually excited for surgery. Of course it’ll be hard because all surgeries are, but it’s going to help with my pain a lot. I really just wish I could’ve been in a better position before surgery. I keep thinking about how much easier it would be if I was healthier, if our house projects were all done, if we didn’t have any debt, and if my relationship with God was even stronger.
On the other hand, I truly believe that God loves me for who I am. He cares about me all the time, no matter what. He continues to forgive me for my mistakes and will never abandon me. Although He wants me to grow and improve myself, I’m always enough for Him. So, why can’t I be enough for myself?
I don’t know the correct answer. But I do know that in the upcoming weeks before my surgery and in the many, many weeks after that, I’ll only be able to focus on my back and my faith. I’ll have to take things slow and be gentle with myself. I’ll have to be patient and forgiving. And somehow, I’ll have to completely trust in God’s plan for me.
To help remind myself of God’s presence and improve my faith during this trying time, I’ve decided to start recording everything I’m grateful for. Sometimes, it’s going to feel like everything is against me. I might think I’ll never feel better, but opening up my heart long enough to see God’s blessings will make a world of difference. I’m not sure what I’ll do with all the notes when I’m done, but the most important thing is they’ll be improving my mood during surgery and recovery. I’m really hoping this will lead me to God’s love in my darkest moments and remind me that I’m always enough for Him. And by strengthening my faith, I think I’ll learn how to be more content with myself and my life too.