It’s been about 2 months since I started therapy and although so much has happened since then, I’ve learned a lot and I’m ready to work on my personal goals again.

I don’t know how many times I’ve vowed to lose weight, but I know it’s been a lot. Something always comes up, throws me off track, and prevents me from continuing to make progress. Normally, I’d feel even worse about myself because of it, but therapy has helped me have more self-compassion.

Maybe every time I’ve tried to lose weight but failed, I haven’t actually been failing. I’m just finding out what doesn’t work for me and ultimately learning to try something else instead. Every time I’ve wanted things to be perfect and gave up because it wasn’t, it’s been wearing down my soul and guiding me to embrace imperfection. I’m realizing that change isn’t black and white or cut and dry. It’s terribly messy and everything counts.

If you spill a soda on the floor, you don’t wait until it is empty before you clean it up. You grab it as quick as you can so you don’t have to do as much damage control. If it’s snowing, sometimes you still shovel your driveway anyway because it would be too heavy to shovel it all at the end.

The same principal should apply to every aspect of life. I shouldn’t wait to do certain things because I’m not where I want to be. I should still be practicing self-care and making small changes that will help me reach my goals.

So, that’s my new goal: to take small steps and not give up. I’ll be starting my weight loss journey again, even though it’s just a random Thursday. I’ll be buying cute clothes, even though I haven’t lost any weight. I’ll still go on vacations, even though I’m really self-conscious. I’ll still go for walks outside, spend time gardening, and stop long enough to smell the flowers. I’ll still let myself have fun and enjoy the journey.

I had my first therapy session today! Although most of the day felt normal, I hope each day from here on out feels a little different. I hope it looks brighter, makes me feel stronger, and brings peace to my soul. I haven’t made much progress yet, but I know starting therapy still counts for something.

Trauma has a way of coming back int your life, especially after you’ve tried moving on. As I’ve been focusing more on God’s plan for my life, I still haven’t made headway in any direction. It’s felt like there was something blocking my path and it was more than I could handle on my own.

I’ve read books about goal setting. I’ve dived into articles about the importance of small steps. I’ve watched videos about creating monthly challenges. I’ve listened to motivational podcasts on a daily basis. I know God created me with divine worth and Jesus died for my sins. I pray constantly to show gratitude for this wonderful life I’ve been given.

When I take a look at my past, it comes with the same level of self-doubt, worry, and uncertainty that I’m so used to. I’m not sure I’ll be able to move forward until I go back to resolve them. I’ve been to therapy before, but I think this time will be really beneficial for me. I’ll work on creating a better lifestyle for myself, learn how to cope with my dysthymia, and turn down the constant thoughts of not being good enough.

I don’t want to be the person who hates working in an office because of my weight. I don’t want to avoid having people over because my house isn’t organized. I don’t want to skip traveling because I haven’t accomplished enough. I want to be the person who puts in the work, makes changes, and lives for the imperfection in each day. And now I’m going to therapy, I really feel like I can become that person.

I’ve always been a good planner, organizer, and designer. I like my projects to be polished and meaningful. I pay attention to the details and make sure everything I do is with intention. And yet, I’ve constantly struggled with planning, organizing, and designing my own life.

Although last year was really hard, I didn’t expect this new year to be so tough already. We’re only a few months in and I’ve had to deal with a lot of stressful situations. I’ve created so many plans to help get my life in order and each time I try something new, I end up failing miserably.

Now, here I am, in the middle of March, wondering what to do next. I thought I’d be feeling great at this point, especially after I just reached my 6-months post-surgery date, but instead I’ve just been feeling down. I’m losing more and more hope each day. I keep thinking I need a new plan to work towards so I don’t feel so lost. And at the same time, all my plans are starting to feel insignificant.

Last night, as I was watching the sun go down and worrying about my future, I had a thought come into my mind that instantly made me feel a little better. It was “God always loves me, even when I don’t love myself.”

I believe God never doubts my past, my present, or my future. He has a plan for me, especially when I don’t understand that plan myself. So, as of right now, I don’t think I need to obsess about creating new plans. I’m going to throw them all out. I don’t have to start projects on the perfect date, search for significance in each step, or finish everything at once. After all, He’s got me. Always.

Instead of planning, I’m going to let my faith and values guide me throughout this journey. They can help me work towards my goals, slowly and without shame. And that’s what I really need right now.

I’ve gained 10 lbs since I had surgery, but my measurements are surprisingly still the same. It’s not easy to say I haven’t made any progress, and it’s even harder to say I’m further behind than where I started. I wish I would have made better choices during recovery, but there’s nothing I can do about it now. And instead of trying to overwork myself to get back to where I was, I’m choosing to forgive myself and move on.

I’ve decided to restart my weight loss journey. Right here, right now, and right where I am. This time, I’ve come up with a few works to keep in the back of my mind. Balance, determination, growth, health, and responsibility are the values I’ll be focusing on before each meal, each workout, and each moment of self-doubt.

If you know me, then you know I love a good New Year. I don’t really do New Year’s resolutions, but I think it’s the perfect time to set goals or recommit to previous goals. It’s a great opportunity to gain hope and believe good things will come your way, especially if you’ve been through a rough year like most of us have.

I still love all my personal goals from last year, but I didn’t make much headway on them. I wish that I’d been more successful at getting things done, but it was still an important year in it’s own way. Sometimes there are life lessons we need to learn before we can move on or grow in certain ways. For whatever reason, I know I would’ve failed miserable at my goals if I hadn’t learned to love myself more, want less perfectionism, be strong, live in the moment, and truly be grateful for all my blessings.

This year, I want to recommit to my personal goals and this journey I’m on. I know if I can use what I’ve learned to my advantage, then I’ll be able to get where I want to be in a healthy, sustainable way.

I’ve thought a lot about how I’ll be able to move forward this year and I’ve decided to focus on breaking my goals down into small, attainable goals that I can improve upon each week. I’m going to start this weekend by working on my makeshift at-home office. It’ll be so nice to have a clean, organized space where I can focus on work and enjoy some activities like journaling, reading, and exercising. It won’t be perfect by any means, but I’ll make it work.

As far as what I’ll be working on this year, I want to focus on all my goals at the same time. My priority will still be my physical and internal goals like last year, but I also want to prioritize my environmental element which is to clean, organize, and decorate our home. I’ve realized it’s so hard to work on anything when your house is a mess and you’re always playing catchup. I think working on our house will be just as important as working on my health, and it might make my other goals easier in the future too. Even those those three elements will be my priority, I’ll still be able to devote a few minutes each week to work on some of the other elements as well. I have a feeling it’ll help keep me motivated and balanced throughout this new year.

These past few months preparing for surgery and then recovering from surgery have been incredibly hard. I didn’t post much during this struggle, mostly because I rarely felt up to taking pictures or writing down my thoughts. But I also had no idea what to share. Even now, as I’m writing this, I’m still debating about how much detail to go into. Do I talk about the specifics and explain what it’s like during each stage of recovery? Do I skip over all of that entirely while I focus on how I’m moving forward and what new challenges lie ahead of me? I want to appreciate everything I’ve been through, because it hasn’t been easy, but in a way that won’t take up too much space. I’ve grown so much since I had surgery that it almost feels like a lifetime ago. It feels weird writing this, but here it goes…

Preparing for surgery made me anxious. I was worried about how much could go wrong and felt down about everything I hadn’t been able to accomplish. But it helped me learn how to let go of my perfectionism. I started realizing my health was more important than how our house looked, and in turn was able to be more understanding with myself instead.

The first two days were mostly spent in the hospital. I was dealing with new pain, movement restrictions, and trying to make it through each moment as best as possible. But I was never alone. Clifton was always by my side and supported me each step of the way. It helped me realized how much he loves and cares about me. I started wanting to be kind to myself, the way he is always kind to me.

The first two weeks involved staying at home with less showers and considerable amounts of pain. We had to change my bandages, go on walks throughout the day, and do breathing exercise even though all I wanted to do was lay down. I’m glad I got to see the end of summer, but there were plenty of times when it all seemed too hard. Somehow I made it through and I realized that having health problems hasn’t made me weak, it’s actually filled my soul with strength.

The next two weeks I mostly struggled to go back to work and find a new daily balance. I was able to take normal showers again, take off my bandages, and do more by myself. Every small step felt like a huge victory and I started to feel like I was getting my life back again.  My spirits continually improved and I realized how much time I wasted being unhappy even when things in our life were going good.

The second month involved more soreness in my back and a new pain in my hip. I had to see my doctor quite a few more times and get new imaging done. But just as I was starting to doubt a full recovery, Clifton unexpectedly got hurt at work. A brad nail went through his eyelid, requiring emergency surgery to get it out. The tables turned and I had to take care of him for a change, while still trying to be careful with my back. We’re so lucky that everything worked out and he won’t have any vision loss, but there was a while we didn’t know what was going to happen. I prayed constantly for my family and in turn realized every insecurity I’ve ever had about myself or our life wasn’t as important as I used to think it was. I started trying to live in the moment and changed my priorities.

And now, I think our life is starting to mellow out. I still have pain here and there, but it’s significantly less than the pain I had before surgery. I’m getting another steroid shot soon and going to physical therapy, but I have hope that I’ll recover even more. Clifton’s doing well and is almost done with all his medications and appointments.

I know that God has a plan for us and He only chose us for these trials so we could grow. I’ve been blessed with so many gifts throughout the struggles like strength, kindness, understanding, self-love, and increase in my faith.

I still want to keep working on myself and all the personal goals I set towards the beginning of the year, but in a healthy, balanced manner so I don’t risk getting hurt or overwhelmed. My weight has been all over the place lately, but the past few weeks I’ve been pretty steady at my starting weight. I’m confident I can focus on losing weight again and be successful at it this time. It’s weird to not have a specific plan this time, but I’m just going to take it day-by-day and week-by-week. To keep track of my progress, I’ll be creating weekly reviews on my Instagram stories if you want to follow along!

As I’m getting closer to surgery, I’m also feeling more anxious. I’m constantly wondering what I’m doing with my life, feeling annoyed that I haven’t gotten enough done, trying to plan everything out, struggling to control my eating habits, and wanting to buy more products online.

The weird part is that I’m actually excited for surgery. Of course it’ll be hard because all surgeries are, but it’s going to help with my pain a lot. I really just wish I could’ve been in a better position before surgery. I keep thinking about how much easier it would be if I was healthier, if our house projects were all done, if we didn’t have any debt, and if my relationship with God was even stronger.

On the other hand, I truly believe that God loves me for who I am. He cares about me all the time, no matter what. He continues to forgive me for my mistakes and will never abandon me. Although He wants me to grow and improve myself, I’m always enough for Him. So, why can’t I be enough for myself?

I don’t know the correct answer. But I do know that in the upcoming weeks before my surgery and in the many, many weeks after that, I’ll only be able to focus on my back and my faith. I’ll have to take things slow and be gentle with myself. I’ll have to be patient and forgiving. And somehow, I’ll have to completely trust in God’s plan for me.

To help remind myself of God’s presence and improve my faith during this trying time, I’ve decided to start recording everything I’m grateful for. Sometimes, it’s going to feel like everything is against me. I might think I’ll never feel better, but opening up my heart long enough to see God’s blessings will make a world of difference. I’m not sure what I’ll do with all the notes when I’m done, but the most important thing is they’ll be improving my mood during surgery and recovery. I’m really hoping this will lead me to God’s love in my darkest moments and remind me that I’m always enough for Him. And by strengthening my faith, I think I’ll learn how to be more content with myself and my life too.

August is one of my favorite months! It didn’t used to be, but that changed in 2015 when we got married, moved into our townhouse, got our bird back, and picked up our dog within a matter of weeks. Now, this month is when we celebrate some of the biggest blessings in our life.

Our celebrations looked a lot different this year though. With my back problems and the COVID-19 restrictions, we decided not to head up to Salt Lake City or stay the night at the Grand America Hotel like we normally do. And because I got another steroid shot right before our actual anniversary, we stuck around the house last weekend to take a much-needed break. We used most of the time to watch movies and enjoy some delicious takeout. It was refreshing, but we still wanted to do something a little more fun to celebrate. So, we ended up spending a few hours at Utah Lake tonight. Anyone from Utah knows it’s not the prettiest lake ever, but it has its moments.

Five years isn’t that long, but we’ve grown so much since then. It’s fun to look back and think about the leaps of faith we took. We built a solid foundation when we got married and it’s helped us through all of life’s ups and downs. I’m so thankful for everything we’ve done together and can’t wait for the many more years to come!

I recently found out that I’ll be working from home until next year. COVID-19 is still spreading, so my company has decided it won’t be safe to return to the office for a while. There’s a lot of pros and cons to being at home for so long, but I’m mostly excited about it. I think it’ll work out good with everything going on in my life right now.

It’s looking like I’ll need surgery more and more each day. There’s no words to describe how thankful I am that I won’t have to go back into the office while I’m recovering. Ever since my surgery consultation, I’ve been worried about how I’d be able to manage everything. I feel so much better knowing I’ll be able to stay at home, change positions throughout the day, and take small breaks when I’m getting too sore.

Since I won’t be commuting with Clifton, I’ll have a lot of extra time on my hands too. It’ll be easier to do my physical therapy exercises, focus on losing weight, and stay caught up with our chores.

Better yet, I’ll also have the comfort of working on my health in the privacy of my own home. It might seem weird, but it means a lot that I won’t have to deal with prying eyes. I won’t have to answer any questions about how I’m recovering. No one will notice what I’m eating or drinking. Most importantly, if I’m losing weight then no one will know until it’s added up to a significant amount. I’ve always felt extremely self-conscious about my weight in the office, so I think it’ll be refreshing that I won’t have to worry about it for a while.

With all that in mind, I’m going to start working harder on my weight loss goal again. It’s been a little over six months since I’ve had caffeinated soda, which means it’s probably time to take the next step and kick my soda habit for good. I’ll be trying to give up Sprite and Root Beer one can at a time until I start to get used to it. Hopefully in a few months, I’ll be perfectly content with not drinking soda at all.

Well, it happened. I gained back all the weight I’ve lost, but I know it’s just because I’ve been lacking motivation lately. I wish I had a good reason, but the truth is that having health problems just really wears me down sometimes. It’s still hard even though I’m feeling a little better and trying to stay positive. So, I’ve been avoiding going to the grocery store, cooking healthy meals, tracking my calories, and drinking water.

Over the weekend, we were in desperate need of more food so we decided to try ordering our groceries online. It was super easy and incredibly helpful. I honestly couldn’t believe that I hadn’t been using it all along. If there’s a solution for grocery shopping in my situation, then there has to be other alternatives out there too.

I took some time to brainstorm and decided to try a few new things this week. I’ll be eating frozen lunches, cooking simpler dinners, and enjoying meals in our backyard. I’ve been working from home and in pain for months now, so any kind of break will help reduce my stress. Our view outside is beautiful too! There’s a few big trees just beyond our fence in the common area and the weather is usually pretty nice.

As far as everything else goes, I decided to schedule my surgery for early September. I’m still going to physical therapy and I’ll be getting my third steroid shot in the mean time. I might not even need surgery if I’m pain-free by then, but it’s always better to be on the safe side and make sure I’m scheduled just in case.

Despite all my health problems, I’ve actually come a long way since I first started. I’ve taken care of my back as much as I could and I’ve improved a lot. I’m still taking weekly lessons through the Real Appeal program and I’ve learned so much. I’m more knowledgeable about exercise, nutrition, and goal-setting. Even though I can’t see the results on the scale yet, I’m still proud of myself for everything I’ve been through.

I can’t believe it’s already May! There was a time a few weeks ago when I didn’t know how I was going to make it through April, but somehow I did. I’m sure God has been patiently and lovingly watching over me this whole time, all while knowing the good things He has in store for me on the other side.

I still don’t know what’s coming, but I can look ahead and see the light at the end of the tunnel. As our state has been calming down and trying to get back to normal, I was able to get a steroid shot in my back last week. I was pretty nervous about it, but the whole procedure went by really quick and wasn’t as hard as I was expecting it to be. The doctor said it could take some time to work, but I’ve felt a little better ever since. I wish I could say it took all my pain away, but that’s not the case. I might still need more time to heal, increased physical therapy, or surgery. Either way, I have a while before I’ve reached the end of this particular journey.

I believe there is more that God wants me to learn through this condition. He has given me this opportunity to grow and strengthen not only myself, but so many other aspects of my life as well. If I put honest effort in each day somehow or another, then God will continue to help guide me through this. I just have to trust in Him and prove that I’m willing to put in the work, no matter what.