I took this picture last year as I was struggling with the death of my grandpa. I started walking a lot during my lunch breaks to help bring peace and stability back into my life. Most days blurred together, but some were harder than others. On a particularly rough afternoon, I came across these beautiful deer and it felt like the whole world stopped. In that little moment, I knew God had a special place in His heart just for me. I believed it was a sign that I was simply going through a rough patch, but eventually my life would feel put back together again.
The more I continue to live my life, the more I can see how my thinking was flawed. Yes, God has a special place in His heart for me. Yes, I was going through a rough patch and it did get better. But I don’t think I’ll ever feel completely on top of everything. I’m not any more put together than I was a year ago before my grandpa passed away. Or even seven years ago when I first met Clifton. No matter how hard I try to get my life to the point where I want it to be, there’s always something that comes up and more things that need to get done.
The past few weeks have only been evidence of that. As I started to work on my weight loss, I began having severe back and hip pain. I found out that I have a herniated disc and it’s been a roller coaster trying to deal with everything that’s come along with it, like doctor appointments and side effects from my medications. COVID-19 has become a global pandemic and we’re in a state of emergency. It’s altered our lives in so many ways I never expected. Businesses have closed, grocery stores are picked over, hospitals have stopped non-essential procedures, and we’re all trying to distance ourselves as much as possible. To top it all off, Utah had a 5.7 earthquake that was felt across the Wasatch Front.
With everything going on, I’ve been a lot more stressed and anxious than normal. It’s a struggle to make it through the day and I haven’t felt like working on my weight loss goal much lately. I’ve actually come pretty close to giving up on all my personal goals. They’ve been starting to feel really distant and unattainable.
But at the same time, all these events have reinforced just how much I need to keep moving forward and continue trying to improve my life. I’ve already envisioned a better future for myself and my family. And if God has even more in store for us than we could ever imagine, then the possibilities are endless. Why would I want to settle for anything less? Maybe our life won’t be as perfect or as put together as I once thought. We’ll always go through difficult situations and I’ll have to deal with unpleasant feelings, but maybe that’s part of the beauty of being alive. And maybe I can learn to embrace it.
So, I’m going to do exactly what I did after my grandpa passed away. I’m going to find little moments to help bring peace and stability back into my life, despite feeling like a complete mess. We’re planning on spending most of the weekend watching the LDS General Conference and I’ll keep going from there.