It finally feels like spring outside! I’m a little disappointed that I can’t be outside enjoying every minute of it, but even going for a drive last weekend to see what’s blossoming improved my mood quite a bit. I also received some more news from my appointments this week that made me feel a little better. It turns out my sciatic nerve is being pinched in two places, my herniated disc and my piriformis muscle. My recovery might be a little harder, but it explains my symptoms more accurately and my exercises have been adjusted accordingly. It’s not the best news, but it’s given me more hope that I’ll be able to keep moving forward.

Last week, I mentioned how big of a challenge this condition has been for me both physically and mentally. But I feel like it’s time to start being positive again and consider all the ways it has been beneficial as well. As part of my faith, I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason. And this is no exception.

I’ve had to rely on my relationship with God more than I’ve ever had to before. I’ve prayed for strength, forgiveness, and mercy. I’ve been humbled and compelled to let go of my pride. It felt a little humiliating at first, but every time I had to ask my loved ones for help they were graciously willing to pitch in without further explanation. They’ve continually proved that they care for me and my well being.

I’ve also been forced to slow down and confront myself, my thoughts, and all my problems head on. I’m starting to appreciate who I am on a much deeper level. I have a better understanding of what makes me happy, what I want in my life, and what I can live without. I’ve developed more empathy simply because I don’t have enough space in my life for animosity. I’ve been comparing myself to the person I was the day before, instead of all the false personas I see on social media. I feel like less of a failure and more like a strong warrior that’s able to overcome hardships. I’m becoming more conscious of my health and have the opportunity to rebuild myself from the ground up.

I have a feeling that these past few weeks are only going to make my journey feel a lot sweeter in the end. I’ll be more appreciative of all the little things I’ve taken for granted over the years, even when I’m having a hard time. I’ll be more disciplined every day and find ways to take care of myself, even when I’m busy. I’ll make time to do all the things I’ve always wanted to do, even when I’m scared of failing. I’ll be more involved in my religion and continue to devote myself to God, even when it feels unnecessary. Because now I know the alternative and it’s something I want to avoid at all costs.

I have to tell you all that herniated discs are not fun. If you know anyone that has a herniated or bulging disc, please be nice to them because they’re going through a lot. It’s made my life way more difficult than it used to be. I get a sharp, shooting pain whenever I stand, walk, or move in certain ways. I have an extremely sore butt cheek, numbness in my toes, and a calf muscle that gets so tight it feels like it’s going to explode. I haven’t been able to stand up straight for weeks and since it’s only bothering my right side, I’ve been walking with a limp too. Sometimes I’m in so much pain that I have a hard time doing simple things, like going downstairs, fixing my own food, or climbing into bed at night. It’s even started to affect my mental health. I can’t count how many days I’ve ended up crying uncontrollably and started to question if I’ll really be able to get through this.

I’m only in the beginning stages of physical therapy though, so I have hope that if I’m consistent with my exercises then I’ll start to feel much better. But there’s still a long road ahead of me. Once our state decides to open back up, I’ll be able to get a steroid shot injected directly into my disc. And if that doesn’t make my pain go away, there’s a good chance I’ll need surgery.

In the mean time, I want to continue with my weight loss journey. Having to deal with health problems these past few weeks has made me appreciate my health and understand why I need to improve it. It’s important that I try to change my habits while I’m still young so I can enjoy the rest of my life with less health problems and more energy.

I’ve only lost five lbs so far, but I’m actually surprised I’ve lost any weight at all. I tracked all my calories the first two weeks, but slowly stopped tracking after that as my back problems got worse. I’m thinking I’ve lost weight just because I don’t eat as much when I’m in pain. I’m also still not drinking caffeinated soda, which puts me at three full months without it. I’m proud of myself for sticking to Sprite and Root Beer, but I know eventually I’ll have to start cutting back on those too.

I want to take another step forward this week and start tracking my calories again. I created these printable worksheets so I can write down everything I’m eating throughout the day and add up my totals at the end. It’ll also help me keep track of my water intake and physical therapy exercises. Since I’m still having a hard time, I needed something that I could keep by my side all day and wouldn’t be too hard to put together. I designed these specifically for letter size paper so I could print them out, three-hole punch them, and put them straight into my personal folio. I’m so happy with the way they turned out and can’t wait to start using them this week!

I took this picture last year as I was struggling with the death of my grandpa. I started walking a lot during my lunch breaks to help bring peace and stability back into my life. Most days blurred together, but some were harder than others. On a particularly rough afternoon, I came across these beautiful deer and it felt like the whole world stopped. In that little moment, I knew God had a special place in His heart just for me. I believed it was a sign that I was simply going through a rough patch, but eventually my life would feel put back together again.

The more I continue to live my life, the more I can see how my thinking was flawed. Yes, God has a special place in His heart for me. Yes, I was going through a rough patch and it did get better. But I don’t think I’ll ever feel completely on top of everything. I’m not any more put together than I was a year ago before my grandpa passed away. Or even seven years ago when I first met Clifton. No matter how hard I try to get my life to the point where I want it to be, there’s always something that comes up and more things that need to get done.

The past few weeks have only been evidence of that. As I started to work on my weight loss, I began having severe back and hip pain. I found out that I have a herniated disc and it’s been a roller coaster trying to deal with everything that’s come along with it, like doctor appointments and side effects from my medications. COVID-19 has become a global pandemic and we’re in a state of emergency. It’s altered our lives in so many ways I never expected. Businesses have closed, grocery stores are picked over, hospitals have stopped non-essential procedures, and we’re all trying to distance ourselves as much as possible. To top it all off, Utah had a 5.7 earthquake that was felt across the Wasatch Front.

With everything going on, I’ve been a lot more stressed and anxious than normal. It’s a struggle to make it through the day and I haven’t felt like working on my weight loss goal much lately. I’ve actually come pretty close to giving up on all my personal goals. They’ve been starting to feel really distant and unattainable.

But at the same time, all these events have reinforced just how much I need to keep moving forward and continue trying to improve my life. I’ve already envisioned a better future for myself and my family. And if God has even more in store for us than we could ever imagine, then the possibilities are endless. Why would I want to settle for anything less? Maybe our life won’t be as perfect or as put together as I once thought. We’ll always go through difficult situations and I’ll have to deal with unpleasant feelings, but maybe that’s part of the beauty of being alive. And maybe I can learn to embrace it.

So, I’m going to do exactly what I did after my grandpa passed away. I’m going to find little moments to help bring peace and stability back into my life, despite feeling like a complete mess. We’re planning on spending most of the weekend watching the LDS General Conference and I’ll keep going from there.

I’ve tried losing weight a million times, but nothing has ever worked long-term. I think I’ve always been too fixated on the end-goal and doing everything right from the beginning. I’ve had a hard time being consistent for weeks at a time and haven’t been able to keep the weight off once I’ve met my goal. And there’s so many personal issues that are all tied up in it, including body image, self-worth, stress, anxiety, and perfectionism.

But I want to do things differently this time, so I’ve been taking a deeper look at it. If you remember my personal goals, the physical goal was to lose weight and get in shape, while the internal goal was to learn to eat and drink healthy. But why are those even my goals in the first place? Is it really just about how I look and fit into my clothes? Or is there something more meaningful to it?

There’s so many benefits to losing weight and being healthy. But the most important to me are having less health problems, increasing my energy, spending less money, and being able to do anything at a moment’s notice. I’m really tired of holding myself back and feeling like I’m always struggling. As I continue to grow closer to God, I want to be able to devote myself to any task that He prompts me to do. My weight, health, and lifestyle habits would make it impossible for me to do that now. I also love the idea of getting to know God through the food He intended for us. I truly believe that nature is meant to help us, teach us, and connect us to the divine. So, learning to eat and drink healthy will only help me grow spiritually too.

Now that I’m thinking about it, focusing on the physical and internal elements will be a great place to start because it could make it easier to work on all my other goals in the future too. If I have more energy, tasks that seem hard now might not wear me out as much. And as I mentioned a few weeks ago, since it could be overwhelming to work on all my goals at the same time, I’m just going to focus on a few for now until I get the hang of things.

I didn’t realize when I gave up caffeinated soda about seven weeks ago that it would turn out to be the first step of my weight loss journey. But I’m so proud of myself for accomplishing that goal since it’s helping me take another step forward today. I found a program called Real Appeal by Rally Coach that I’ll be using to make more changes in my life. It’s free through my health insurance and comes with so many more resources than some of the other health and fitness websites. So far, it seems like a great program. Not only is it intuitive and informative, but it’s also really motivating. I don’t know exactly how my weight loss journey will evolve, but I’m going to start by tracking my calories. I’ll also be recording my progress through my weight and body measurements.

I’ll only be sharing my progress on here every so often, but if you want to follow my progress more closely then feel free to add me on Instagram. I’ll be posting to my stories regularly and would love some weight loss friends!

Since I’m trying to think more positively, I thought it’d be a great time to complete a cleansing ritual. I started with a short prayer and finished by sage smudging our home. I’ve never done it before, but I’m hoping it got rid of any negative thoughts and energies that were still lingering around. And it’s even supposed to cleanse the air. At the very least, it let us mark another turning point in our lives and set a good tone for what’s to come. It was a fun activity to do after work that helped break up the monotony of our week too. I’m looking forward to doing it again whenever I feel like I need a fresh start.

The prayer I created had three important functions. First, I thanked everything that has served us in the past. Next, I took a second to notice who we are and what we’re working towards in the present. And lastly, I asked for help cleansing ourselves and our space to help improve our future. For the sage smudging portion, I briefly went over our bodies, starting from our feet and going up towards our heads. I also worked my way throughout our house, ending out of the back door. The whole process was a lot easier than I expected and only took us about fifteen minutes. I recommend watching a few YouTube videos if you’ve never done it before so you know how to light it, hold it, and put it out when you’re done.

As I was looking over everything I’ve been tracking for the past six weeks, I was overwhelmed with how many different ways I felt like I was failing. I’ve been struggling to keep up with my life for years. I’ve spent too much money and haven’t kept good track of my finances. I’ve eaten too much takeout and not enough fruits or vegetables. Plus, I never drink enough water. I’ve spent too much time relaxing and not enough time taking care of myself, let alone anything else I’m responsible for. The only things I’ve done well have been getting enough sleep every night, sticking to a regular schedule, and continuing to work on this project.

It’s so easy to get caught up in my negative thoughts. I should’ve stayed on top of my life from the beginning. Why didn’t I start this project a long time ago? I could’ve done everything better, but I’m just not good enough. I should’ve never let anything get to this point. Will I even be able to salvage the rest of my life? Why can’t I just be more like everyone else? What is wrong with me? This kind of thinking never makes me feel any better. In fact, it makes me feel completely awful. I start crying and become hopeless. Sometimes I get so upset that I make myself physically sick. And it never seems to fix anything either. I don’t get closer to solving my problems and I don’t work harder towards my goals. I just spend the rest of the night in a bad mood.

But why does it have to be like that? Why do I have to feel bad about myself for all the things I’ve done wrong? Can’t I be proud of myself for all the things I’ve done right instead? Surely that sounds a lot better. I’m not perfect and my life hasn’t been perfect either. I’ve been through rough times just like everyone else. I’ve struggled and tried the best I could each time. I should be thanking my past self for doing just that. And I should be happy that I’m in a different position now. Every day I wake up, I can choose to be better, try harder, and improve my life for my future self. And that includes learning to show myself forgiveness, empathy, and most importantly, love.

So, I’m not going to keep putting myself through this. Whenever I start to go into a negative spiral, I’m going to stop, relax, and just breathe. It’ll take some time to get the hang of it, but I’ll try to remind myself that everything will be okay and things aren’t as bad as they seem. It’ll do me a lot of good to give myself time to catch my breath, work through it, and fill my head with more positive thoughts.

I’ve had this idea for a long time that my soul is separated into different elements. Each element corresponds to the way my soul interacts with my human form and earthly surroundings. They each have a unique color and movement. When they’re all out of balance, they blend together creating a murky, black color. In this state, it’s easier for darkness, doubts, and unhappiness to work their way into your life. But when the elements are in a perfect balance, they all vibrate at the same strength and frequency. This complete harmony makes all the elements work together and turn into the most beautiful white you’ve ever seen. In this state, it’s easier to fill your life with light, truth, and happiness.

When it was time to start working on my personal goal list, I knew I should base it on these elements. Not only is this how I normally think about myself and my situation, but I also think it’s a great way to describe everything I believe in. It’s not a coincidence that God is often referred to as light or that white is regularly used as a symbol of purity. White light is a combination of all the wavelengths of light coming together and turning into a simple, singular force. I believe this is exactly what the divine in each of us strives for. Our soul craves that level of equilibrium. And if we can manage to maintain it, then we can live our best lives and experience wholeness.

I created a pretty vague goal for each of the elements, as I’ll be working on them long-term. I don’t want to feel too pressured to do everything perfectly or get everything done at once. There’s no deadline to improve my life; it’s just an ongoing project that I hope will never end. If I need to be more specific, then I can always break each goal down into smaller tasks with realistic schedules.

Now let’s be honest, eight goals is a lot to work on at the same time. But some will be more important to focus on right now than others. I’ll be sharing more on that soon, but for now I’m just happy that I have an actual goal list. I’m proud of how it turned out too! It’s helped me feel more accomplished, organized, and prepared to start taking my next steps. Plus, I finished with plenty of time left to celebrate my birthday with my loved ones.

It seems like this year is off to a slow start and it’s hard not to feel bad about myself for it. I know we all have to deal with self-doubt and that making small, long-lasting lifestyle changes can take a ton of time. But it hasn’t made it any easier to get through this slump I’ve been in.

Since I was feeling down, we decided to go to the Ice Castles in Midway last week. I’ve been wanting to go for a few years, so I’m glad we finally took the time to do it. It was so refreshing to get out of the house and take my mind off things for a little while. When you’re busy enjoying life, it’s a lot harder to think about all the ways you aren’t living up to your expectations.

We had so much fun exploring the Ice Castles and appreciating their beauty. There’s some tunnels you can walk through and a few slides you can go down. The weather was nice and it didn’t start freezing until the evening. We ended up getting some hot chocolate and churros to hold us over until it got dark enough to see the lights. I’m glad we decided to stay because it’s pretty amazing at night too!

The best part about the whole trip was just getting to spend quality time together since we both work a lot during the week. We don’t normally do that much after we get home from work either, except relax and have dinner.

It also put me in a good mood for the rest of the week. It was easier to get through work each day and I was able to spend more time at home working on my personal projects. We definitely need to go on more adventures and explore everything Utah has to offer!

After my last post, I realized that I actually have some important goals and they aren’t as selfish as I used to think they were. They have a lot to do with fulfilling my purpose and making myself available for more meaningful things in life. Plus, I think they’ll help with my main objective of exploring my soul, the universe, and the divine connection between them. I also realized that I don’t want to spend any more time waiting until I feel centered enough to really start living my life and working towards those goals. Maybe stability can come with time, so focusing on myself and making small changes will only help me get to that point.

I’m going to begin by creating a more specific goal list using all the information I came up with during my brainstorming session. Having a more concise list will help me understand where I need to focus my energy, how much time I should be devoting to each goal, what small changes I can start implementing into my life, and how I should be tracking my progress.

On top of that, I want to take a deeper look at my daily life and track where I’m currently at with everything. I’m going to see how much money I’m spending, where my money is going, what I’m eating and drinking, how I’m using my time, how much sleep I’m getting, what I’m doing to take care of myself, what areas in my life are getting too much or too little attention, and how my mood changes throughout the day. It probably doesn’t seem like much, but it’ll be a good first step for me. Being able to identify what you’re doing is a lot less passive than just going with the flow. Plus, it’ll get me moving in the right direction.

And since I’m feeling ambitious today, I also think it’s a good week to work on my soda habit. There’s a million reasons why drinking soda isn’t very healthy, but I want to start living by The Word of Wisdom too. It doesn’t specifically mention soda, but I interpret it to mean moderation in all things, especially those that are unhealthy or cause dependence. I’m not sure if I can stop drinking soda cold turkey, so I’m just going to stop drinking those with caffeine for now. It’ll take a lot to get through the caffeine withdrawal headaches, which is why I don’t mind letting myself have a Sprite or Root Beer for a quick pick-me-up.

This question has been on my mind a lot this week. It’s been hard getting back into the swing of things after the holidays. I’ve noticed I’m more tired than normal and too overwhelmed with all the things I need to do. It’s apparent that I’m not living my life the way I really want to be. And it’s been so long since I’ve asked myself this question, I’m not entirely sure what the answer to it is anymore.

Since it’s a new year and I really want this year to be different, I think it’s important to reevaluate and get a clear vision of what I want my life to be like. So, I’ve come up with some questions to help me brainstorm and think about all the aspects of my ideal life.

I want to spend most of my day living in the moment and working on projects that allow me to be creative. Whether I’m at work, at home, or on vacation, I want to find little moments I can devote to personal rituals that help make every day feel more fulfilling. I want them to remind me of God’s role in my life, get me closer to achieving my goals, and connect me to the world around me.

To add more fun into my life, I want to spend time on my hobbies. I’m hoping to find even more hobbies that will encourage me to get moving and step out of my comfort zone. I also want to spend quality time with my family. I want to explore our local area, attend seasonal events, and really enjoy the full process of the year. I want to go on more vacations and weekend getaways too.

I want to relax by giving myself breaks from all the things I need to do. I can take short breaks to go for a walk, pray, meditate, talk with my loved ones, etc. Every once in a while, I can take even longer breaks to get a massage, give myself a spa night at home, watch a movie, read a book, and so much more.

I want to constantly work towards achieving my personal goals, becoming a better person, improving my marriage, and getting closer to God. I want to build better relationships with those around me and develop more empathy for their situations. I also want to have a better understanding of our world and feel more connected to it.

I want to let go of all the expectations I have about my life. I don’t want to feel obligated to be perfect, have a certain kind of lifestyle, or be like other people. I want to let go of all the clutter I have, whether it’s items in my home that I don’t need or items on my to do list that I don’t really need to do.

I want people in my life that are funny and easy-going. I want to enjoy their company and look forward to spending time with them. I also want them to be kind, loving, and genuinely care about me. I hope they have similar values to me so we can rely on each other when we need to.

I want cute, bright objects in my home. I want my surroundings to make me feel happy and comforted. I hope they remind me of my favorite memories and are able to inspire me each day. I also want the objects in my home to be functional and well-organized. I think our home should be easy to take care of and keep in order.

I want to describe myself as good-hearted. I want to be kind, loving, and caring. I hope I’m a good friend and I’m able to help others when I can. I really want to be happy, healthy, and energetic. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to be incredibly proud of who I am and the life I’ve built with Clifton. I also want to be easy-going and always up for an adventure. I only have so much time to live and want to make the most of it.

I always want to feel loved by God, my family, and my friends. For the most part, I want to feel content with what I have and what I’m doing, even when I’m unsure of things. I also want to feel healthy and strong. I don’t want to feel tired, stressed, or overwhelmed. And when I do, because I’m human and it’s inevitable, I want to know how to deal with it appropriately.

I want God to play an important role in my life. I want to think about Him throughout the day and always be aware of His love. I want to turn to God when I’m happy and things are going well. But I also want to turn to God when things are going bad and I’m having a hard time. I want to ask Him for advice and let His prompts guide my life.

In good situations, I want to be thankful for what I’ve been given. I want to be mindful of what’s going on instead of thinking about other things. I hope I’m able to be genuine and really appreciate all the good moments in my life.

In bad situations, I still want to be thankful for what I’ve been given. I want to understand that my difficult times will pass and know the right steps to take in order to get through them. I hope I’m able to take my time to react to bad situations instead of acting rashly.

I’m willing to put a lot of effort into my life, but I don’t really want to. I think I have a tendency to make my life harder than it needs to be. I want to simplify my life so I don’t have to spend as much time and effort on everything. I only want to work hard on things that are important to me, my loved ones, and God.

Aside from tracking my progress through this blog, I want to keep track of all my accomplishments in a planner or journal of some kind. It needs to be something that can easily be changed, since I have a hard time with notebooks if I make mistakes. I also want to keep track of my progress by how I feel each day and if I’m moving forward. Sometimes I can’t see when I’m taking small steps, so I just give up entirely. For my journey, it’s going to be really important that I’m able to learn how to make mistakes and gradual progress without wanting to start over.

I want to change my idea of happiness and fulfillment. Right now, I’m not content with the way things are in our life. I keep thinking that things will be fine and I’ll feel a lot better when I improve things. But while I’m on this journey, I’ll need to find a way to appreciate all the ups and downs. I really need to learn to love the whole process and where I’m at in each stage.